Elicit, Don’t Answer: The Skill That Stops Miscommunication Spirals
You’re stuck in a loop. Chris has asked you the same question three times. Each time you answer it. And each time they come back.
You’re starting to wonder if you explained it badly. Or if Chris isn’t paying attention. Or if Chris just isn’t capable of understanding the thing you’re trying to explain.
None of those are usually the truth.
What’s usually true is that you’re answering their question instead of understanding their problem.
The Two Different Conversations
Let me show you what I mean with a story:
My friend comes to visit me in Vietnam. The taxi drops her off and she calls me, “Hey, I think I’m here.”
So I go to greet her, but I don’t see her.
“I don’t think you’re here,” I say.
She says, “Well, where are you?”
So I start describing my location. “I’m at the location I gave you… outside on the street. Near… a coffee shop… I’m by a telephone pole…” (I cannot emphasize enough how common streets, coffee shops, and telephone poles are in Vietnam. I can see three of each from where I’m standing, but what else is there to say…)
None of this is making sense to her. She’s still lost.
And I’m getting frustrated because what else can I possibly say?
Then it occurs to me:
I’m answering the question she asked.
But her question isn’t actually her problem.
So I stop.
“You know what,” I say. “Tell me where you are.”
“Oh,” she says. “I’m standing in front of a Winmart.”
“Ah, okay. Take three steps to your right.”
She does, coming around the corner. “Oh! I see you now!”
The difference between those two approaches is huge..
In the first approach, I answered her question. She still couldn’t find me.
In the second approach, I understood where she was actually coming from. And then I could give her directions that made sense from her location.
Why We Answer Instead of Elicit
When Chris asks “Can you clarify what needs to happen with the project report?” your instinct is to clarify what needs to happen with the project report.
That makes sense.
That’s their question.
You answer their question.
Except Chris isn’t confused about the project report. Chris is confused about something else. Maybe Chris doesn’t know if they’re supposed to be making decisions or just following instructions. Or maybe Chris is afraid the report will be wrong no matter what they do. Maybe Chris is thinking about a different project entirely.
But you don’t know that.
And probably Chris doesn’t know that.
It’s an advanced skill to ask the right question.
And Chris doesn’t have that skill yet.
So they ask about the project report.
And you answer the question they asked.
And you end up like me in Vietnam, frustrated, giving clear information to someone who’s still lost.
So firstly we do this because it’s a normal response to answer the question we were asked.
And secondly, answering a question is faster: you give them the information they asked for and you can get back to work.
Eliciting information takes longer in the moment. But those extra two minutes save you from weeks of repeating yourself.
How to Elicit Information
The skill has three parts.
First, recognize when you’re stuck, using the Third Time Rule
- You’ve explained it. They nod. You both part ways thinking you’ve solved the problem.
- They come back. Same question. Or a variation of the same question.
- When this happens once more, something else is going on. This is your signal to shift from answering to eliciting.
Second, ask an open question that invites them to describe their situation.
❌ Not “Do you understand?” (Everyone says yes even when they don’t.)
❌ Not “What don’t you understand?” (This can feel like an accusation. You’re implying they should understand.)
✅ “I’m noticing you keep coming back on this. Can you walk me through what you’re thinking?”
✅ “Help me understand what part of this feels hard.”
✅ “Talk me through what you think I’m asking you to do.”
The goal here is to let them describe their understanding. You’re trying to get into their head to see where they’re coming from so you can identify where exactly you’re miscommunicating.
Third, listen for the actual barrier.
Now we need to find the barrier.
When you elicit information, you’re hunting for one of these:
- A missing piece of context. They don’t know something you assumed they knew. “I didn’t realize this was about the platform rebuild, not the customer retention work.”
- A different assumption. They’re operating on a different belief about how something works. “I thought you wanted me to check with you before making any decisions on this.”
- One of the 7 barriers to communication. I’ve identified 7 common barriers to communication. (And missing knowledge is a subset of one of them…) They’re afraid. They don’t know what success looks like. They don’t have the skills to do the thing. They’re not engaged. They don’t know who decides what.
When you find precisely where the gap in understanding is, you can bridge it.
When you answer their question without eliciting what’s underneath, you’re treating symptoms. You’re repeating information hoping eventually something lands. You’re getting more frustrated each time because you feel like you’re being clear and they’re still not getting it.
When you elicit, you’re diagnosing. Being proactive to find the actual problem, instead of reactive to just answer the question in front of you. And when you’ve identified the actual problem, then you can unmiscommunicate directly at that problem.
