Unmiscommunication™: Stop the Blame Game and Get Results Already

The Origin: When Your Leadership Team Became a Courtroom

Back in my early days as Chief Operating Officer, I watched something painfully frustrating unfold. Our leadership team – capable, intelligent, well-intentioned people – would get stuck in a pattern I now call “the blame spiral.”

It would start innocently. Someone would say, “Wait, I thought we were doing X.” Someone else would respond, “No, I said we were doing Y.” And then the conversation would pivot entirely. Instead of solving the actual problem, we’d spend 45 minutes digging through the annals of history. Who said what? When exactly did they say it? Whose responsibility was it to clarify?

Tensions mounted. Defensiveness rose. And absolutely no progress was made.

I realized we were treating miscommunication like a crime scene. We were trying to assign blame. And every minute we spent in that blame spiral was a minute we weren’t spending on the actual work.

That’s when I coined the term: Unmiscommunication.

What Unmiscommunication™ Actually Means

Unmiscommunication is an acknowledgement that miscommunication is a normal, inevitable part of human communication. It bears no moral value. That is to say: no one is a bad person because miscommunication happened.

When we recognize that miscommunication has occurred, we don’t investigate it. We don’t blame it. We simply unmiscommunicate: get back on the same page right now, and move forward.

It’s rich with graciousness. Devoid of blame. Fixated on alignment.

The leadership team loved this word so much that it was added to our company values. And over the years, I’ve come to see that it’s not just a fix for “no-I-said-you-said” arguments. It’s a framework for solving deeper communication problems that show up everywhere on teams. A huge percentage of conflict comes from the assumption that we’re operating on the same page; the skill of Unmiscommunication helps us identify that so we actually can get back on the same page. 

Beyond the Blame Spiral: The Repeating Manager Problem

Take the manager who is tired of repeating themselves.

A terribly common problem: A manager gets stuck in a cycle where they find themselves saying the same thing again and again. Whether their team member circled back for clarity, forgot and reasked the question, or confidently plowed ahead on the wrong understanding, the supervisor still ends up impersonating a broken record.

On the surface, this looks like a simple miscommunication problem.
The manager just needs to communicate more clearly, right?

Alas, if that was the solution, they wouldn’t be in this problem… 

The Mistake Most Managers Make

When Chris walks into your office and says, “Hey boss, can you clarify what needs to happen with the project report?”
most managers will clarify what needs to happen with the project report.

That’s perfectly reasonable. Except when it’s a pattern.

I use a Third Time Rule. When this is the third time Chris has asked for clarification on something you feel like you explained clearly, something else is happening. And here’s the part that trips people up:

You’re both capable and intelligent; you’re just clarifying the wrong thing.

Here’s the insight: if Chris is a perfectly capable person (you know they are; their past work shows it), and you’re a perfectly capable communicator (you’ve explained things clearly to plenty of people), then repeating yourself isn’t going to fix this.

Because the miscommunication isn’t about what the project report should contain.

You think that’s what the problem is about because Chris is specifically asking about the project report.
Chris thinks that’s what the problem is about because that’s the thing he feels uncertain about.
But the real question is why does he feel uncertain about that. 

Chris is on a different page entirely. Once you’re on the same page, communication will be so much easier.

Repeating yourself louder, slower, or with more detail doesn’t help because the real miscommunication exists somewhere underneath.

What This Actually Looks Like

Let me show you a conversation. This is what it looks like when a manager tries to solve the problem the traditional way:

The Broken Record Approach:

Chris: “Hey, I’m a bit confused about the project report. What exactly do you need from me?”

Manager: “Well, like we discussed, we need the metrics for Q3, the timeline breakdown, and the risk assessment. It’s the standard format.”

Chris: “Right, yeah, I remember. But when you say ‘risk assessment’—do you mean the risks we anticipate, or the risks we’ve already hit?”

Manager: “The risks we anticipate. That’s what we always do.”

Chris: “Okay, got it. I’ll get on it.”

[Two days later]

Chris: “I finished the report, but I’m realizing I might have misunderstood the timeline breakdown. Should that include resource allocation?”

Manager: [internally sighing] “Yes, Chris. The timeline breakdown has always included resource allocation. That’s what makes it useful for planning.”

Chris: “Oh, I see. Let me revise.”

Notice what’s happening here? The manager is clarifying the content. But Chris keeps coming back. Not because Chris is incompetent. But because there is a barrier to communication; something is getting in the way of clear communication. Clearly they aren’t on the same page, but why… 

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Now here’s what Unmiscommunication™ looks like:

Chris: “Hey, I’m a bit confused about the project report. What exactly do you need from me?”

Manager: “I’m happy to clarify, but I’m noticing this is the third time you’ve circled back. So first let’s unmiscommunicate. I think we might be on different pages about something deeper. Can you tell me what feels hard about this project report?”

Chris: “Honestly? I feel like I’m always guessing at what you actually want. Like, technically I could figure out what goes in a report, but I never know if I’m going to hit what you’re looking for. So I keep asking to try and nail it.”

Manager: “Okay, that’s really helpful to know. On my end, I’m actually trying to give you space to own the project. When I say ‘standard format,’ I was thinking you could look at previous reports and use those as a template.”

Chris: “Oh, okay. That’s helpful to know. I didn’t realize you wanted me to own it. And I also didn’t realize I could use previous reports as a template. But when you say ‘own it’, if I don’t have things you would include… is that okay?”

Manager: “Let’s do this. If you want to deviate from the template, ping me explaining why you think it’s better to deviate and I’ll let you know if it’s fine or I’ll explain if there’s a reason why it’s still important.”

Chris: “Yeah, absolutely. That makes sense.”

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Notice what shifted:

In the first version, the manager is clarifying content. In the second version, the manager is unmiscommunicating. They’re stopping, naming that something deeper is off, and getting to the real issue: Chris is operating from an assumption of uncertainty and fear of failure, not from genuine confusion about project deliverables.

The manager didn’t repeat the information.
They got on the same page about how they communicate with each other.

That’s Unmiscommunication™

The Seven Barriers: What’s Really Going On

I’ve found that when managers are stuck in the broken record loop, it’s almost never because the information is unclear. It’s because one of these seven deeper barriers is at play. And here’s the critical part: repeating yourself doesn’t fix any of them.

Barrier 1: Mindset Block

Our employee operates from a belief that doesn’t match reality. Maybe they believe “mistakes mean I’m not good enough,” so they keep seeking confirmation to avoid being exposed as incompetent. They could believe “good employees don’t need clarification,” so they’re ashamed to ask. Or maybe they believe “the rules are hidden and I have to figure them out through context clues.”

Repeating information doesn’t solve a belief problem. 

The fix here is to coach them in the mindsets that will help them thrive in the workplace. 

Barrier 2: Fear of Consequences

Fear of consequences almost always comes from previous experience. Maybe they got blindsided by losing their job and they’re afraid it could happen again. Perhaps their last boss was a micro-manager and they learned they get in trouble if they don’t confirm every decision first. Maybe they grew up feeling like they had to be perfect and making a mistake feels like a threat to their identity.

You might be repeating the same information or the same encouragement—”You’ve got this, I trust you”—but if you’re not addressing the underlying fear, you’ll be repeating yourself indefinitely.

Fear is a powerful motivator because people prioritize staying safe above almost everything else. In fear, they lose focus on other objectives. So the first step is identifying what they’re actually afraid of.

Often more transparency helps with fears, like turning on a light helps people afraid of spooky shadows.

Barrier 3: Unknown Expectations

The employee doesn’t actually know what success looks like. This often happens when we assume that expectations are known and shared knowledge. We might call some of these expectations “common sense.” (Though I think we know that common sense isn’t common…)

Once I worked with a supervisor who said their direct report was being distant. In a remote context, I asked for this supervisor to define exactly what behaviors were missing. “In group chats, she isn’t chiming in,” she answered. “Could it be possible that she thinks there’s nothing she needs to add to the group chat and so is simply observing? Does she know that you expect her to contribute to the group chat?” As it turns out, this expectation was not explicitly stated. 

If people are not meeting expectations, the first question supervisors should ask themselves is: Did I explicitly communicate what my expectations are? 

When expectations are unknown, people keep coming back because they’re trying to reverse-engineer what you actually want instead of just knowing it.

Barrier 4: Lack of Engagement

Sometimes the repeating happens because they’re not actually paying attention, because they’re overwhelmed, distracted, burnt out, or not actually interested in the work.

This one is the hardest to address because it requires asking: “Is this person actually engaged with this project?” And if the answer is no, no amount of clarification is going to help. 

The fix is to identify their personal goals and draw a clear line of sight between their goal and the work at hand. People are highly motivated to achieve their goals. 

Barrier 5: Unknown Decision Authority

The employee doesn’t know where the line is between “follow instructions” and “make a call.” So they keep asking because they genuinely don’t know if this decision is theirs to make.

You think you’ve been giving them space to own decisions. They think they’re supposed to ask permission. You’re not miscommunicating about the content; you’re miscommunicating about the decision authority.

Fix this by being explicit: “For this kind of decision, you decide. For that kind, check with me first. And if you’re ever unsure, ask.” I’ve worked with directors to create rubrics that help their managers evaluate for themselves whether the decision is in their purview or not. Often the feedback is so glowing, the managers want to set up similar systems with their direct reports. 

Barrier 6: Missing Capacity

They don’t have the actual capability to do what you’re asking, lacking the skills, the tools, the information, or the time.

If Chris doesn’t know how to use the dashboard where the metrics live, repeating “pull from the dashboard” doesn’t help. They need training. If they don’t have access to historical reports to use as templates, telling them “use last quarter as your template” doesn’t help. They need access.

Missing capacity is a training problem, but it often gets treated like a communication problem, which is why you end up repeating yourself.

Barrier 7: Weak Manager Boundaries

This is about you. If every time your employee comes to you with a question they should be able to answer themselves and you answer it, your employees will learn that it’s more efficient to ask you than to figure out the answer on their own.

They literally do not see a problem in asking you to repeat yourself because you seem fine with it and it’s really efficient for them, so why wouldn’t they come to you? 

I list this last because we want to make sure your employees are set up for success across all other barriers before we start withholding easy answers. But if every time they come to you with a question you’ve already answered twice, you have a discussion about miscommunication and you equip them to solve the problem themselves, they’ll either find that very helpful or too cumbersome to deal with (and they’ll go find the answer themselves). 

People will default to the easiest course of action. If you’re giving away quick answers like candy, they’ll keep coming back. 

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The Common Thread

Notice what all seven barriers have in common: none of them are solved by repeating the information.

Unknown expectations doesn’t go away because you say the same thing twice. Mindsets don’t shift because you said it louder. Lack of engagement isn’t fixed by more detail. Unknown decision authority doesn’t resolve itself through repetition.

The fix for each one is different, but the diagnosis is the same: Address the actual barrier to communication, not just the presenting problem.

That’s Unmiscommunication™.

How to Unmiscommunicate

When you notice miscommunication, whether it’s the first time or the hundredth, here’s how to unmiscommunicate:

1. Broach the Topic. “I think we might be on different pages about something.”
2. Assume good intent. “You clearly care about getting this right, and I clearly haven’t explained it well enough.”
3. Get curious. “What part of [this project] feels hard?”
4. Identify the Barrier. It’s rarely the content. It’s usually about one of the barriers.
5. Address the Barrier. We’re not trying to bombard the situation with clarity. That would be exhausting. We’re looking for where the miscommunication is and addressing it specifically. This is a targeted approach.
6. Move forward. Now we’re on the same page! Let’s get back to work! 

The Payoff

When your team adopts Unmiscommunication, something shifts. People recognize that miscommunication is a normal part of communication. People stop being defensive or spiraling into blame. They get faster at identifying when they’re misaligned and faster at fixing it.

Miscommunication will still happen. It’s still a normal part of communication. But it doesn’t need to look like dysfunction on your team. Because you know how to Unmiscommunicate.