The Soft Skill Mastery No One Talks About: The Balancing Act of Nuance
“And then after my bath, you commanded me to give you a kiss.” My three-year-old’s innocent statement sent a jolt through me. “Command” wasn’t a “bad” word in our house, but in that context, it held a power dynamic neither of us wanted. This wasn’t the first time this seemingly harmless word took an unexpected turn, highlighting the complex world of nuance that eluded my toddler.
I added “command” to the list of “Grown-up Words” – words that are ok for a grown-up to use, but you need to learn how to use it before you’re allowed to use it. Originally, we just started with the usual “grown-up words” list – classic profanity. But quickly, our household rule expanded. “Stupid,” “shut up,” and “oh my god” found their way onto the list. We were most surprised to add common words, like “command”. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with the word, beyond the definition it held a connotation that was at odds with the reality of the situation. More nuance was needed.
Banned as a “grown-up word,” my toddler had more time to observe the word in the correct context before trying it again himself. He even asked for permission to use it the next time: “Mommy, can I use a grown-up word?” Mentally skimming the list of grown-up words, I held my breath waiting for what he would say next, but he chose the word “command” and used it properly.
Many things in life require nuance but, unfortunately, we don’t always have the luxury of avoiding the issue until we learn the balance.
In my work as a soft skills coach, I see adults struggle with the same balancing act. We crave clear-cut rules, seeking the safety of a clear definition. Why? Because likely at some point in life, we broke a rule and the response to that was harsh. We learned early on that it’s not safe to make mistakes, but in fact it’s dangerous. In response to that anticipation of danger, we experience anxiety as we scramble solid definitions that will keep us from making any mistakes or breaking any rules. But life has so much connotation. So we make a mistake, do something not quite right. When we get feedback, moving on panic, we overcorrect, pendulum swinging to the far extreme.
Here’s a prime example: in talking with interns, I’ve told them to let me know if they have any questions. And they do. Any question that pops into their mind, pops into my DMs. I tell them I want to be really responsive to their messages and ask for them to use my responsiveness wisely. I’ll jump to answer their pings, but don’t ping me 100 times a day, because I don’t have the stamina of Tigger. Suddenly it’s radio-silence and days stretch into a full week as I’ve not heard from them.
There’s too much danger in annoying your supervisor, so they’re not keen to risk it. “Hello? This isn’t working either!” I call into the void.
“But how am I supposed to know when to ask questions?”
“How am I supposed to know how much of my personal life to share?”
“How am I supposed to know when to follow up with people?”
Nuance, my friend. Nuance.
If these things were black and white, they’d be hard skills – not soft skills. Soft skills are squishy because there are no hard lines. Instead it requires a sensitivity to make observations and shifts in different contexts. Even when we get a good sense of it, wild variables may come out of the blue, throwing us off balance.
It would be lovely if – like a toddler – we could opt out of asking questions, writing emails, and other adulting tasks until we fully grasp the nuances of the situation through observation, but most often, we don’t have that luxury.
Instead it becomes a journey of trial and error. Managing nuance is dismounting a pendulum onto a balance beam. Naturally there will be times of swinging too far one way and too far the other. There will be times of stepping on the balance beams where you don’t stick the landing. And there are times where you stick the landing only to lose your balance on the beam.
All of these moments of trying are not wasted, but lessons learned. Nuance is the problem but bravery is the key. This dance of nuance requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to learn. It means embracing discomfort, acknowledging ambiguity, and trusting ourselves to navigate the in-between. Every wobble on the balance beam is a step towards mastery, a reminder that growth happens in the space between black and white, where the colors of human connection truly come alive.
But what about the anxiety? What about the sense of danger? When we have the lived experience of harsh punishment for making mistakes we need to process that experience in the light of our current situation. If you’re still in a setting where a harsh punishment will befall you in the instance of a mistake then – in most circumstances – it might be time to develop an exit strategy for that so you can move into safer spaces. If you’re already in a safer space, then it’s time to scrutinize the lessons we learned in our past (ie. “It’s not safe to make mistakes”), and decide if that’s how you want to live your life today.
Even as previous experience has taught us it’s safer, we have to let go of clinging to rigid lines, because they’re impeding us. Instead, we have to embrace the beautiful mess of nuance. The key to mastering soft skills is diving right into that ooey-gooey center. It’s a feat of precision that requires practice and every thoughtful mistake is celebrated as experience gained.
