Managing the Silence

Standing up at the front of the room, the leader feels great during the meeting. They are on point, speaking with clarity, passion, and enthusiasm as they lay out the action plan for the quarter. Wrapping up, they take a deep breath and ask for input, scanning the room for objections. Everyone nods politely. No one raises a concern.

And everyone leaves.

And nothing happens.

Nothing changes.

Now the leader is ranting to me, “I gave them space. If they have a problem they should let me know, but if they don’t have a problem, then do what you’re told!” (I’m here for it! I love a good rant session. Let all those feelings out with me. Then let’s plan how to talk to your team more level-headed.)

I’ve heard this lament dozens of times as a leadership coach. It usually comes after a leader has been blindsided by something they thought had been settled.

“I wonder,” I like to muse, “how many times other leaders have said, ‘What do you think?’ and really they wanted to be told they had a great idea. I wonder how many times your team members tried – once upon a time – to voice a concern and were made to regret it.”

“I would never!” they retort.

I set down my coffee cup. “How long have we been talking about trauma-informed leadership now? I know you would never; this isn’t about you. What is it about?”

“Their trauma-response… and what I need to do!” they continue quickly before I can even prompt them, “is help them feel safe enough to risk speaking up.”

There’s this assumption that silence equals agreement. In reality, silence at work is often a survival strategy – a deeply conditioned response to past harm, humiliation, or dismissal.

When Silence Becomes Self-Protection 

In my research, 80% of professionals reported experiencing workplace trauma. That trauma doesn’t just live in big dramatic events. It lives in small, repeated interactions that taught people: “Your voice isn’t welcome here.”

And here are just a few of those interactions:

These aren’t rare outliers. These are significant percentages that demand our attention.

But let’s be honest: silence doesn’t always mean trauma. Here are several reasons why people might be silent: 

1. Disinterested – If that team member actually should be present and interested, then outline how and why this is important to them, creating a clear line of sight between their own interests and the topic on the table.
2. Wary of Present Dangers – Traumatic situations are happening in the workplace and they very well could be happening in your meetings. Sometimes they could be subtle slights that are often overlooked (i.e. shutting down peoples ideas, laughing off suggestions, insulting people’s intelligence), but if they’re persistent, they can leave people moving into self-defensive stances. Listen well to complaints that people mention and don’t dismiss them just because they seem insignificant. Small issues might require small solutions, but can cause or solve big problems.  
3. Adrenal Response – Fight and flight are familiar but freeze is another response. This can happen because of danger (real or perceived) and also because of huge levels of stress, whether that stress is coming from inside or outside the workplace. Sometimes life is so chaotic that team members can’t contribute to meetings. Leaders can keep a pulse on employee’s stress levels and provide reasonable accommodations as stress levels are rising. 
4. Trauma Response – When someone has experienced verbal abuse, emotional abuse, misplaced blame, microaggressions or other attacks to their psychological safety, their brain starts rewiring itself to stay safe. If speaking up in meetings resulted in the attack on their psychological safety, they’re going to stop speaking up in meetings to stay safe. Even if this is a different workplace where that did not happen before. Now leaders have to build trust from a deficit. The solution is creating psychological safety.

I go deeper into all of this in my book, Trauma-Informed Leadership. It’s packed with data, stories, and practical strategies to help you lead people who’ve been through hard things—because let’s be real, that’s most people. If you’re ready to lead with both strength and empathy, it’s written for you.

Get it on Amazon

Here’s the good news: better safety doesn’t just support trauma-affected employees. It lifts up everyone – the people who are disengaged, who are feeling real threats of danger, who are in an adrenal response, and who are having a trauma-response. When psychological safety is strong, everyone feels free to:

• Share ideas without fear
• Disagree respectfully
• Ask questions
• Make mistakes and learn from them

And that’s when the magic happens.

But how do we achieve the level of psychological safety required in our workplaces to empower teams to be brave? 

1. Make sure you’re not inadvertently discouraging people from speaking up – Sometimes leaders can be unaware of how they’re shutting down conversation. Seek feedback on how you’re presenting to ensure you come across as actually wanting people to speak up. (i.e. you graciously receive what people say, you make people feel valued for sharing)
2. Redouble efforts in rapport building – People trust people they have a relationship with, so the more time leaders can spend developing rapport with their teams, the more their teams will trust that their voice.
3. Have direct 1:1 conversations – Communicate explicitly how you’d like for them to contribute to meetings, ask people why they’re silent in meetings, and collaboratively strategize how you can navigate barriers that may keep them from contributing. (i.e. they don’t know what to say, they need some more time to think about it, they don’t understand how this pertains to them.)   

It can be frustrating when damaged trust has nothing to do with your leadership. Unfortunately, with 80% of the workforce having experienced workplace trauma, this can be a common experience. But even with the deck stacked against leaders, intentional efforts to build psychological safety can have huge rewards – on the safety of the space and the engagement of the team.

When you rebuild that trust, what you’ll hear next might just change everything.